transition

staying in the office has been my "hobby" for the past few days. Instead of partying and boinking, i decided that I should be more productive and render 18 hours of overtime work, which, by the way, is not easy at all. I didn't take in that much calls but then again, providing floor support for the transition agents is far more challenging. It's like dealing with my five multiple personalities all at the same time, which in case you didn't know are the following: the manic-depressive call center agent, the obsessive-compulsive coffee addict/rockstar, the paranoid gay man, the love cynic, and the jester. ;) it's as good eating razor blades.

now while I am killing myself by helping out the transition team, I am also undergoing my own transition from being single to being in a "relationship" with my almost-but-not-quite other half. We've been going out a lot for the past few days and I've even introduced him to my fraternal twin, maychelle...something that I do not do unless I know that he's ready for maychelle's vivisection.

my boy and I haven't really talked about relationships until recently when I had the courage to finally open up the topic and admit to myself that I, indeed, am courting him. It's not helping boost my ego, but what can I do? He's so goddamn sweet, that any moment now, I could be diabetic. It's good to see him open up, reveal himself to me, and let me know what's in store for me. He expressed his fear of being left alone eventually, just in case I find someone better...But then again it's a risk that we both need to take in order to give this a shot, because honestly, I do have the same fear. We should learn to love like we've never been hurt before. I believe that's one thing that we both need to learn.

up to now, I haven't really uncloaked my own fears. more than the occassional feeling of being isolated from the world because of exclusivity, i am fearing for my own sanity. i've been asking a lot of questions lately. what if i get attention-deficient? what if i can't make him happy anymore? what if after three goddamn years he leaves me again? what if being in a relationship wouldn't give me peace of mind and happiness like i thought it would? what if i can't meet up with his expectations? what if i am not really the person that he thinks i am and that i am only projecting one of my decoy personalities? what if i go crazy because i am thinking of all these things? what if? what if?

but i guess this paranoia wouldn't help at all. the fear will stop once you get there. it's just like going in transition at work, you'll never know how to take in calls, unless you start taking in calls. you learn and discover a lot of things along the way, things you will never learn in any theoretical training but instead you acquire because you dealt with people and touched them in some way.

much like in the state where i am in right now, we'll never really know each other's way of dealing in relationships unless we both let our solitudes greet, meet, and protect each other. sooner or later, we have to deal with it. i am just hoping that my rainbow will finally achieve its complete spectrum.