jessica zafra's "label suits"

I don't know about you people, but I cannot hear the word boyfriend without repressing a shudder. Such an odd word, at once archaic and bubblegummy: I imagine the Sampaguita stars of the sixties clutching the branches of mango trees and breaking into song. How awful it is to run into old friends while dining out with new object of one's affections: you are obliged to introduce the latter to the former and to explain his presence, viz. "This is X, he's my...my..."

Should you find yourself in this situation, consider the following alternatives to the word boyfriend.

Suitor--One who presses his suit. What a strange way of describing courtship, as if the man were perpetually ironing his clothes. Synonyms: wooer, manliligaw.

M. U.--Acronym for "mutual understanding," a silly term which refers to an even sillier arrangement in which two parties silently agree that they are an item. How they agree on this I have no idea; no one talks about it, so maybe they're psychic. M.U. implies that the parties feel the same way about each other--a ridiculous premise, because barring major speech impediments, if they really feel that way, there is no reason why they shouldn't declare it. The trouble with this arrangement is that it is vague and amorphous, and at the same time, assumes too much. There is a real risk that the "mutual understanding" is no more than a "unilateral delusion." And what happens when one of them wants out of this quasi-relationship? Does it have to be a mutual cessation of interest?

The general perception of M.U. is that it is less serious than the traditional courtship in which the party of the first part proposes, and the party of the second part disposes. In M.U. no one asks the question, but everyone answers. My friend Karel put it into perspective: M.U., he says, means "mag-un"

Come to think of it, if you introduce him as your M. U., doesn't it amount to a declaration? And if the relationship has been expressed verbally, then, it's no longer an M.U., isn't it? This is so confusing.

Fiance--The one whom you have pledged your troth. Wipe that leer off your face, I said troth. It dates back to the Middle Ages, and it means faith, fidelity, and devotion. To pledge one's troth means to vow to marry, be affianced, get engaged.

Husband-to-be--See Fiance, above.

Future Father of My Children (FFMC)--This one contains gentic overtones, as if you were more interested in his chromosomes than in the person himself, but it still sounds better than sperm donor

Spiritual Husband--One you love/yearn for/salivate after, who would surely love/yearn for/salivate after you but for one obstacle: you've never met.

Spouse Equivalent--The politically-correct term for the person with whom you are romantically involved. The term implies that you are as yet unmarried, but seriously considering a more serious arrangement such as cohabition, if not matrimony itself. The major difference between the traditional boyfriend and the spouse equivalent is that when you're on a date, the former pays for everything (Unless you insist on going Dutch--why?) while the latter pays half--or lets you pay. In this case you had better dump him, or marry him to clear things up once and for all.

Significant Other--Another politically-correct term, one which I find rather cold. We are talking about someone whose presence turns your insides to jelly.

The Loved-One - Self-explanatory, although the novella of this title by Evelyn Waugh was about a pet cemetery. Note use of the article The, not My. The gives the expression of raffish air, i.e. "Is the loved-one there yet?" as opposed to "Is my loved one there yet?" which sounds incredibly mushy.

Meaning of My Life--An incredibly mushy expression which requires a certain insouciance to bring off. That, or a well-developed sense of irony.

Romantic Attachment--A rather dehumanizing term; suggests an electrical apparatus of some sort.

Soulmate/Karmic Partner/Cosmic Connection--One you are destined for. Obviously when the cosmos sticks its nose into your relationship, you are dealing with forces beyond your control; you are stuck for life, if not for the next few lives.

Mistron - Male form of mistress, i.e. a guy you are seeing on the sly. This implies of course, that you are officially attached to someone and are sneaking around his back--unless he is terribly understanding and you are openly sneaking around--in which case, you ought to dump your official attachment because if he's willing to share you, what's the point? (Not to mention that it takes the fun out of sneaking around).

In any case, the dash is a great invention which allows writers to ramble on while maintaining a semblance of coherence. If Shakespeare had been a woman, this is how one of his sonnets would sound:


My mistron's eyes are nothing like the sun
Coral is far more red than his lips' red
If snow be white, then his pecs are dun
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on his head
I have seen great bods, buffed and tanned
My mistron, he hangs out with geeks
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistron reeks
I love to hear him speak, yet well I know
That grunge hath a far more pleasing sound
I grant I've never seen a god go
My mistron, when he walks, treads on the grounds
And yet, by Heaven, I think my love as rare
As any he belied with false compare.