i couldn't help it...i called him up and finally he answered his phone just because i used the office phone. hearing his voice made me feel odd and miserable. as i expected, he was really cold during the two-minute conversation. he said we would talk soon and i was like..."ok".

i feel wrecked. i couldn't even smile anymore. the humor in me has been sucked out and has been replaced by the fear of not seeing him again, by the regret of not knowing what it could have been if i had been more understanding and more patient. god, i miss him!

a friend once told me not to act as if my boy is my happiness. well, apparently he IS my happiness. even knowing that my efforts at work have been rewarded is not enough to make me feel any better. what is the point to all of that now that i don't have that someone special who built dreams with me?

i don't know how to pick up the pieces again...well, i can't even see the sense in doing that anymore. feel like giving up on everything...probably vanish into the shadow. how could i have committed such a stupid mistake. i was a fool to think that saying goodbye would make take me to a better place. what is life's sense now that he is gone. i just want to disappear.i'll just probably go to where everyone will eventually go...hit the dust and this time no more fidgety hands... wish me luck. happy birthday to me... :(