birthday song... for you, pat

perfect

i know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend
that lovers make amends
we are reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost

but please you know you're just like me
next time I promise we'll be perfect
perfect strangers down the line
lovers out of time
memories unwind

so far I still know who you are
but now I wonder who I was...

angel, you know it's not the end
we'll always be good friends
the letters have been sent on

so please, you always were so free
you'll see, I promise we'll be perfect
perfect strangers when we meet
strangers on the street
lovers while we sleep

perfect
you know this has to be
we always we're so free
we promised that we'd be
perfect

-smashing pumpkins

how do you pick up the thread of an old life? how do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? there are some things that time cannot mend, some hurt that goes too deep that have taken hold...

song of the moment

indifference

I will light the match this mornin', so I won't be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon night will be gone
Oh, I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I'm free to roam
Oh, I will make my way, through, one more day in Hell...
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make, yeah...

I will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
Oh, I'll keep takin' punches until their will grows tired
Oh, I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
Hey, I won't change direction, and I won't change my mind
How much difference does it make
how much difference does it make...how much difference...

I'll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
How much difference
How much difference does it make

- pearl jam

"we love what we love, not what loves us."
--from Adaptation

That's what makes us so fascinating. We are so often drawn to the things that hurt us or the things that we cannot have. We are passionate about them because they take us away from the mundane, trivial, commonplace things that make up our daily lives. waking up, working, sleeping next to the same person night after night, talking about the same old things. needing money. not having enough money. not knowing what to do with money. our faces. our bodies. our scars (outside and inside). our fears. our insecurities. everyday life. the life that we feel we want to do something about. the life we want to live differently. the things we want so much to feel. the things we fear we may never feel again. all of it. the fleeting. the moments. the thrills. the endings.

we meet people and they become a part of our lives. we take for granted those that are already in our lives-those who have lived out a greater part of our lives with us- because new people are, well, new...different... odd... something that we're not accustomed to. but when they've become part of us for so long, who's to say that we won't take them for granted too?

This is why I believe I actually like being hurt. Experiencing unrequited love or love that wasn't returned in full fervor was something that was actually more fulfilling. The hint of possibility that all things could and do fade was what made the ride more valuable. The thought of it ending made you want to make the most out of it... despite the pain and fear. I felt alive. I felt like a true victim of passion. That was me.

Who am i now?

Let's wait and see

yo, it's mah birthday!

even as a kid, i've never been excited for my birthday. maybe i just hate the idea of adding another year to your biological age, which doesn't really make sense if your emotional and intellectual age doesn't match to your real age.

i've also had some moments during my birthday, though. i believe it was my 21st birthday and ryam and i were living in that dingy apartment in cubao and we were dead broke. no big deal for me really cause i'm not into celebrations anyway. my only concern during that time is the money that we need for food for the coming days.

i couldn't really remember where ryam went that night. i believe he said he was going to erin's condo because his aunt was asking him to do some errands. 12 mn came and he appeared in our doorstep. he kissed me and greeted me with a birthday card, a big bag of marshmallows, and a kiss. that really melted my heart. there is no other thing that could make that moment more magical. that evening, we had dinner at rockwell and then some good boy loving afterwards in our own cozy bed.

two years later and a lot of things have changed. here i am...single (and fabulous, i suppose) and home alone. i basically turned 23 inside a training room because we're having our crm training but it was fun because the first people who greeted me are my friends. then we were dismissed by 3 and i had some booze with yssa, aileen, and pao (honey, you're such a cutie!). we were talking about how terrible it is to be troubleshooting with dial technical support agent, and i was there doing my impressions when yssa noticed that there was an indian guy who was sitting near us and he was giving us the looks. my god it was so hilarious. hey guys, if you're reading this, it was such a blast!

by 6 am i went home to a soon-to-be empty apartment since maych had to go to pampanga and ate amie and kuya jay are going to davao. now, i woke up with nothing better to do that's why i decided to just do some blogging. how can your birthday be more exciting.

but don't get me wrong, i'm all right. and hey, thanks to the well wishers! i really appreciate it guys! well, the day is not yet over so i may still be updating later on... hmmm...i might as well paste this conversation here...

emptycrayonbox: hi!
emptycrayonbox: hmmm...suplado...ala man lang ba kong bati diyan?
x: kanina pa kaya meron
x: happy birthday na nga
emptycrayonbox: sungit

oh well, ang gandang regalo nito, pramis! hehehehe....

ps: if there's anyone reading this, i've got an lj account now...you'd probably want to visit it to see the best birthday gift i've received this year. :)

click here

russel is the #554 most common male name.
0.015% of men in the US are named russel.
Around 18375 US men are named russel!
source namestatistics.com

this is one of those days that i feel i am detached to my body. i feel that i am looking through the eye sockets of another person and experiencing his life. detached as i am, i keep on wondering everyday if this person's life is worth living.

despite all these, i am trying to fulfill my destiny, helping others to the best of my ability. yet, everything seems to be futile.

i envy those people whose lives have directions, their daily existence fueled by a passion so strong that they move mountains. wouldn't it be nice if everyone knew what they're supposed to do in their lives and they live it accordingly?

frankly, i don't know if i make any impact on anyone's life, much less if i'm living my life as i should.

i think i need to get laid. pfft!

wish list

with my birthday just around the corner, i decided to come up with a list of things that i want. it's surprisingly short and quite unachievable but i'm not asking too much i guess...if there's somebody who's kind enough who can grant me these wishes...please, i'm begging you! :)

1) undisturbed sleep for at least 12 hours that is not initiated by a sleeping pill or by alcohol. i want to be in that state of REM...no dreams, no whatever...just deep, deep slumber and i don't want to wake up with a headache.

2) a day away from the city... spend it somewhere serene where i can spend some time alone with nature and do some soul-searching. an unpopulated beach would be nice plus i want to have all the food that i need when i get hungry.

3) material things: dvds of drowned world tour, justin timberlake's homecoming concert, janet jackson's hawaii concert, elizabeth and requiem for a dream ; a bottle of acqua di gio; pablo neruda's ode to common things; a good sound system; a new couch for our new apartment;

4) a date with someone who's remarkably interesting and carries out a good conversation in a nice restaurant or coffee shop...or we can spend it dancing the night away in a club with good music.

5) and lastly...peace of mind...even just for a day. :)

just watched the special features dvd of LOTR and i, surprisingly, found the hobbit foursome (without their costumes) sooooooo cute! anyways, here's a pic that i've found in some lj community. some boy-touching in there huh. :)

the wonders of technology have recently hit me. just imagine how many people are there online everyday and then calculate the odds of meeting someone worth trusting. based on my experience, the chances are pretty slim, but hey...you'll never know. well, you know who you are...you can never imagine how you make my day. just a smiley that is being generated by your fingertips is enough to make me melt. :)

for you, x :)

the dance

Would you be interested in dancing with me?
And maybe tell me all your dreams
Talk to me like you would in your sleep
Don't censor anything
Cause i wanna hear everything
There's no innocence left to spoil
You can swear she's not a little boy

We'll fly tonight so far away
Where they will never find us
Use your wings and i will run fast
Cause that's what i do when i'm not afraid
We've got it made up in our heads
We don't have to wait for anyone or anything
Go anywhere we desire

So close your eyes become blind
From the world listen instead to the girl
She'll tell you why she chose to fly
And you're left behind
Just like me alone and free

We can smile when we've filled the void
And treated the burn
But until then i believe
We're gonna have to learn
To discard any disguise we're using
Yes it's hard and it's never amusing

-barbie