independence day

i didn't go to work... for the simple fact that i don't want to. i just love the freedom. nobody restricts me. ang saya saya. i think i want to run away from the city even just for a week. i want to be a free soul and get enlightened on my new found sense of spirituality. even though nobody believes me, i know in my heart that i am almost complete. really... all i need is god!

praise the lord!

Inside of my heart
Is an army of angels
Just cause i let you go
Oh volunteers they are here
To love and help me
Only cause i said no

To the killer eyes
That invite me to do things
I would have to lie about
And it's better now we are safe
You know i love you more from far away
Now that all i need is God

Hey little girls
Do you still have things that haunt you
Are all the words i say unclear
You know i was there
Just a while ago so miserable
Until i told the truth and prayed

And the killer eyes
That invite me to do things
I would have to lie about
And it's better now we are safe
You know i love you more from far away
Now that all i need is God

Inside of my heart
Is a glorious army waiting for war
The killer eyes
That invite me to do things
I would have to lie about lost their sparkle
And its better now we are safe
You know ilove you more from far away
Now that all i need
Is inside of my heart is an army of angels

*barbie*

pak da shet!

aray...tangina ang sakit nung ah... bakla wala namang personalan!!!!! lahat na yata nakakaramdam ng sakit na dapat maramdaman ko puwera na lang ako. nakasinghot ba ko ng sampung bote ng novocaine? in all fairness, nagusap kami kanina. good mood ito. naiwan pala niya telepono niya. masyado lang nga akong nagiisip (yeah right, keep on telling that to yourself). favor! pakiuntog nga ulo ko sa pader. one time lang!!!!!!!!!!!

plagiarism ito!

hayan na!!!!!!!!! inacknowledge ko na!!!!!!!!!! hehehe...

eh ano naman gagawin mo sa baguio? magbabakasyon din ng one month parang si ryam? hay naku... ala lang... i am so defressed with an F. later na ko mag-uupdate... para masaya. same shit different day lang ako ngayon.

unang araw

sadya ba talagang ganyan
palakad lakad kat nakatungo, san patungo?
ngayong wala ka na kelangang
masanay na muling nag-iisa
san ka na kaya?

wag mo akong sisihin
kung minsan ika'y hanapin
ito ang unang araw na wala ka na

nasanay lang sigurong nandyan ka
di ko inakalang pwede kang mawala,
ayan na nga
nababato...nalulungkot...
luha'y napapawi ng singhot
at talukbong ng kumot

wag mo akong sisihin
kung minsan akong iyakin
ito ang unang araw na wala ka na

*ebe*

- i just hate it when anxiety attacks me. it's such a pain in the ass. i don't know what's causing it.

last friday, after some days of mulling over the matter, i finally told him that i like him. and if my memory serves me well, he told me that he felt the same way...it's just that he's still technically in a relationship. i just don't really hope that he will make a big deal out of it. i don't want to lose him.

yesterday was the last day that i will be with him. after a week of being back in the day shift, he will be transferred to the night shift again (surprise!). after dropping me off to my place last night, i called him up and told him that i am really sorry that i got drunk. he told me that he was officially single. i didn't want to make a big deal out of it. and i thought, should i be happy about that?

i still can't see the possibility that we will be together. that's probably why i got the blues. he really hurt me before but still i just felt that i should still spend time with him with the risk of being hurt again. i tried calling him up earlier this evening. i maybe paranoid but i felt that he was so distant. ayan na nga. parang nadadama ko na namang masasaktan na naman ako but i wanted to think that he just didn't want to talk about what happened last night in malate.

do i feel love for him? i really don't know. i'm having mixed emotions right now. maychelle told me that i am not ready for a relationship yet. to quote her, love is something that is absolute and if he's really the one for me, then i wouldn't feel this way... or do i just think too much?

well, i just came to the conclusion that i should i just give it time. i still feel depressed and anxious though. kelan ba ko magkaka-peace of mind?

pambasted

Aragorn to Eowyn:

" It is but the shadow and truth that you love. But I can not give you what you seek."

noodles and spice, prozac and ice


i have valid excuses for not updating the journal for two days. i had my days off and in all fairness, nakakasawa na talagang mag-internet. officially, i have a 7am to 4pm job but as i can see it, i am just working from 7am to 1pm and the rest of the day, i am just blogging, friendstering, hi5ing, myspaceing, ringoing at kung ano ano pa na nasa internet.

thanks to Bob Ong, i was able to spend half of my Wednesday reading his Pulitzer-Prize winning book "Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas" (hehehe) which actually inspired me to do some writing for "be the difference in a quotient. The book is so goddamn funny... the whole world just stopped while my gilagid and lips are making nginig sa kakatawa (kolehiyala ito!). His work is so spontaneous. I just love it.

i spent the other half of my first day off of the week with pat. i just loitered around the office pretending to be a part of the team that is doing the preparation of the Spanish inquisition a.k.a. Accenture visit. i believe they're going to edit the Convergys policies on some issues. Upper management shit that is being worked on by the staff. Harharhar.

the latter part of the night was an unexpected bloodbath. pat and i watched Kill Bill and... it was... so .... bloody! in all fairness, talagang nag-iispray ang dugo. di ito makatarungan. di ko kineri. over all, the movie should be watched only for its shock value. i should give credit to tarantino though for utilizing an unconventional story telling style. shet...feeling ko ako si o-ren ishii...kasi siya ang endorser ng SBC and she kicks ass!

and then last night, i had my first bowl of cold Korean noodles. pat and i went to this Korean restaurant in makati, and in all fairness, sarado na sila nung dumating kami pero pinagbuksan nila kami. Feeling ko talaga ako si o-ren ishii and i want to think na natakot sila sa dala kong samurai sword. etchos! dati talaga, di ko talaga maisip na kakainin ko ang pagkain ng mga Koreano. Siguro kasi mukhang koreano ang tatay ko at hate ko siya at feeling ko kasi may sariling mundo ang mga koreano based on ryam's stories dati. so in short, dedma talaga ko sa Korean food.

but then again, i was in the mood to try something new...and pat inspired me to do that. i had to deviate from my usual KFC dinner and go to a restaurant na di ko alam kung pano sasabihin ang pangalan. i was so surprised on how the dinner turned out... good company... good food... good conversation. medyo nadisturb lang ako sa cold noodles dahil naiimagine ko yung starbucks frapuccino ko na nilagyan ng pista pansit ulam na adobong pusit flavor. disturbing lang yung itsura pero masarap tanga! may kakaibang zest ito. basta kakaibang experience.

nga pala, maysh, i know you've been depressed for the past three days... ang masasabi ko lang ay... super kumongah! halimaw ang mga post mo... gusto mo prozac? :)

ang saya saya...

kay hirap palang...umibig sa di tamang panahon

eh kelan ba ang tamang panahon?

kung bakit ngayon ko lang natagpuan ang isang katulad mo..

di kana nakuntento..meron kana ngang jowa..hanap ka pa ng sum1 better..

sana noon pa kita nakilala

sa tingin mo ba kung nakilala mo sya nuon at single kapa..magugustuhan mo sya?

sana noon pa lang ng ang puso ay malaya pang magmahal..

eh pwede mo naman palayain ang puso mo ngayon..para getz mo na sya..

bukas na lang kita mamahalin..

now na noh!

sabay sa paglaya ng ating mga puso

kahit di pa malaya..ok lang..pwede akong maging kapit..parang si belinda sa mano po..

bukas na lang kita..mamahalin..

now na!! gagah to ah

pasensya na..ala akong magawa..
pero like ko tong song na to..tapos kakantahin ko sya pag may jowa nako den kunwari may makikilala akong iba..pero mahal na mahal ko yung jowa ko..kaya kakantahan ko na lang sya nito..ehehee

sabi ko sa sarili ko: jowa nga wala ka..nangangarap kapa na may kakantahan nyan..pootah ka!

stolen from dyakks

valentayns nanaman..
naalala ko nung araw na pinana ni kupido ang puso nating dalawa..
parang may fireworks..

valentayns nanaman..
naalala ko yung unag beses nating pinagsaluhan ang araw na ito..
parang kulang na lang langgam..

valentayns nanaman..
naalala ko yung panahong sinuong nating ang luha at ngiti..
parang kayang kaya natin ang mundo..

valentayns nanaman..
naalala ko yung una nating "major fight"
parang akala ko tapos na lahat...pero nalagpasan natin to

valentayns nanaman..
at nakalimutan ko pala..
wala kana sa piling ko..wala kana dito sa tabi ko..
unag valentayns na ala ka..unang valentayns na ako ay nag iisa..
nag iisa ka din kaya?

- syempre ang sagot dito para sa kanya hindi... siyet... di ako in love di din ako broken hearted...ala lang...feel ko lang maging mushy...at magpaka-depressed. ganun ata talaga ko...pinipilit maging depressed pero di naman. naiinis lang ako kasi parang ang tagal tagal ng pacing ng mga bagay-bagay. parang sobrang gapang ang mga araw kasi ang tagal ng sweldo... shiyet. yun lang... at ikaw maychelle ( oo ikaw nga...) mahaba masyado ang buhok mo...bakit ganun pag ikaw ang may mga maraming boylets ako naman ang nawawalan and vice versa. haaayyyy... feeling ko mas maganda kung mamangka ka sa dalawang ilog. charottts!!!!!!!!!

one...two...three... ngeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

this post kinda comforted me... stolen from deusxmchn

Relationships forever rob you of your inner peace, that relative peace without which you soon realize all is chaos. And yet when you're single, you're willing to give up just about anything and everything for one.

Lost, alone, with no seeming purpose, no raison d'etre, you proclaim your misery in occassional lachrymose outbursts, lamenting your eternal loneliness and deep, painful emptiness of heart, if not constantly complain about having been foresaken by love and doomed to an untoward "singular" fate. Single is ugly. You hear people say it's perfectly okay and so you say it's okay, but inside, you hear quite clearly the cries of deep longing from the depths of an empty, cavernous pit, some lonely place they call heart. You pretend to be preoccupied with trivialities of the day, constantly waiting for the next distraction, but the lonely drive home betrays the pretense and the most trivial action of switching on the bedroom light reveals the emptiness you go home to each night. Morose and melodramatic, isn't it?

Say you then find someone, someone to share that drive home and that lonely bedroom with. You soon find out that the perhaps the drive home to the empty bedroom wasn't in fact lonesome, it was peaceful. It was quiet. It was calm. It was free from the noise and petty ramblings of the mundane world and the restlessness of souls. In that quiet solitude was embedded the peace of mind and heart that may very well be one's final refuge. You think maybe the quiet drive home was a more pleasant routine than a nightly theatrical exchange of hurt and emotions triggered by the frustrations of the day. Perhaps the empty bedroom was far more comforting than this tumultuous hell.

bahay bata

ewan ko kung bakit ganyan ang pamagat nitong post na to. basta kasi gusto ko lang sabihin na medyo nagulantang ako pagpasok ko sa bahay namin kagabi. nakakawindang ang tumambad sa aking paningin. may bagong install na furniture na di ko talaga maubos maisip na after 6 months na pagtira sa apartment na yun, first time na makakatikim ng bahay ng upgrade. nakakatuwang nakakalungkot.

nakakatuwa kasi at last nag-iimprove yung bahay. medyo mas mukha na siyang bahay ngayon, malinis naman, at meron pa kaming patungan ng tv na sabi nga ni maychelle "mukhang galing sa morge". pati nga mga door knob at spring ng aming pintuan inayos din ni lemy halimaw. grabe talaga. gusto kong tumambling mula lagro hanggang baclaran.

nakakalungkot kasi namiss ko na naman si ryam. siguro kung magkasama pa kami ngayon, ma-iinspire siyang bumili ng mga muwebles, mga gamit sa kusina, mga bagong appliances, at kung ano ano pa. nakakaaliw kasi siya pag namimili. napakaenthusiastic. natutuwa kasi ako pag nakikita kong nageenjoy siya. lalo na pag may bagong gamit. sobrang excited siya, para siyang bata. sigurado matutuwa din siya sa ayos ng bagong bahay...kasi nga mukha na siyang bahay ngayon...pero siyempre di na mangyayari yun kasi di naman na kasi talaga siya babalik eh.

naiisip ko tuloy kung minsan paano kaya kung bumalik siya. tatanggapin ko pa kaya siya? pero ang nakukuha ko lang talagang sagot... "ewan ko...di ko alam". pero natutukso na talaga kong sabihin sa kanya na parang gusto ko siyang bumalik. pero ayoko rin kasi nga andiyan pa rin yung pride ko. ayoko nang mareject ng dalawang beses. pakshet naman bakla, di na nga binigay yung bagong number sa yo tapos sinama na nga si dexter sa bahay tapos babalikan mo pa. gaga ka pala eh.

ewan ko ba...siguro nalulungkot lang ako kasi nga medyo matagal tagal na rin para sa record ko na naging single ako. gusto kong isipin na kaya to patagal ng patagal kasi nagiging mature na ko sa pagpili ng lalaking makakasama sa buhay. sana nga...wish ko lang talaga.

kaibigan lang pala?

may mga taong pang-kama, taong pang-relasyon, meron ding pang-kaibigan lang. pakiramdam ko, i belong to the latter. may mga lalaki sa buhay ko na ewan ko kung bakit mas prefer nila kong maging kaibigan lang. i mean, ok lang naman... pero ang kaso, kung hanapin nila ko sa workstation ko, parang jowa ang turing nila sa kin. ang gulo nga eh. parang di ko magets. nandiyan yung bibigyan ka ng comments na nagbabadya ng relasyon na nakaka-flatter na di mo alam kung compliment ba o ano. pero pag binigyan mo naman ng malisya, sasabihin sa yo di pa daw handa sa relationship. di naman ako nagmamadali eh... tangina, ala na nga akong ginagawa. pero bakit ganun? ang labas ko tuloy pokpok ako kase friendly nga ako... tipong kaladkarin ba. kung san ako yayain ni ... uhmmm-friend, gora naman ako. pakshet. siguro okey na rin, kasi dumadami friends ko. pero sana man lang bigyan man lang ako ng babala ng kalikasan kung oras na bang bigyan ng malisya para alam ko kung kelan ako dapat mag-react ng naaayon. haaaaaaaaaayyyyy...

I am The World The World represents the moments when we feel fulfilled and blessed and all that goes into them. It is a very positive sign that you are in a position to realize your heart's desire. What that is for you depends on the situation, but it will always feel great. Remember, though, that Card 21 is a symbol of active contribution and service. To hold the World in our hands, we must give of ourselves to it. That is the source of true happiness. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. Month: Day: Year:

there and back again...

reminds me of ryam


Elvish


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random thoughts...

- just got my new cellphone yesterday. twas not what i was expecting it to be but then again okay lang. it's much better than my 3100 though it has less ring tones and less wallpapers. now at least i have a cam. the only thing that i don't like much about my phone is the casing. i bet the transparent casing is so goddamn expensive!

-two nights ago my lust for Justin Timberlake got rekindled. i was able to come across "Justin Timberlake: Down Home in Memphis" while channel surfing. it's his first homecoming concert and i am just so surprised to find out that he can actually do a semi-acoustic setup. it was setup in a small stage with a small band...no pyrotechnics, no fabulous stage setups, no glamorous lights. this time, Justin is the show's special effect!

-bad day at the office today and this is due to a lot of reasons

1) calls kept on coming in...wala talagang interval as in... haven't experienced this eversince Tsunami
2) had my lunch at 2 pm when i should be taking it by 12 15. pakshet nanginig talaga ko sa gutom
3) yssa and i were waiting for the elevator, and a group of trainees were there. siyempre ang tagal ng elevator di ba... 48 years ito at yosing yosi na kami... so eventually dumating din ang elevator at megasiksikan talaga dun. shiyet, ang ingay ng mga trainess...at nag-elevator pa talaga sila from the 25th floor to the 24th floor eh mas convenient pa kayang magstairs na lang. leche!
4) on our way out of the office, yssa and i saw this job opening for team leads. it was posted last january 6. siyempre day off namin di ba...at ang end of submission of application is january 9. leche. may magagawa ba ko?
5) up to now, wala pa ring exam na binibigay for floorwalkers. shiyet!!!!!!!!!

-maych and jal broke up for one day, then after a day, sila na ulit. well, that's beside the point...basta kwento ko na lang next time...

pakshet!

maling desisyon! shiyet! i need a phone now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when nature said "stop quiet!!!!!!!!"

our house is starting to become a home again. maychelle's brother jay and his fiancee ate amie just moved in yesterday and occupied ryam's bedroom. it feels nice to go home now as compared to the past few days when i was considering robinsons galleria as "my home" (with chinese inscriptions...hehehe). just the idea of not being alone at home makes me feel so...relaxed.

before they moved in, maychelle and i discussed the pros and cons of this setup. pros: lower rent, food at home, possibility of having more furniture at home, and good company; cons: invasion of privacy, monitored moves (at least for maychelle), no more chain smoking, no more alcohol, and worst of all...restricted sex life.

now that i am looking at it, it feels like nature is trying to interfere with my single life and bring back things into their natural order. having my sex life limited to malate bars is enough proof. two days ago, my globe handyphone subscription (which i've been using to call up people like crazy) got redirected eventually. that's why i don't have a way of communicating with my men. to make things even worse, a humongous zit just appeared on my nose.

well, probably this is nature's way to slow things down for me. i've been trying to believe that i am taking things slow, but as a matter of fact ... i am not. in my mind, i believe that i need to enjoy my single life in order for me to move on. i've been trying to seek refuge in sex, movies, and music...just to forget just for a few months how it feels to be in a relationship. but most of the time, loneliness just kicks in and it's such a pain in the ass. in my heart, i know i am constantly looking for the ONE. and i don't want to take it slow...i want it now.

but nature said... "stop quiet!!!!!!!!!!!!!"... for some unknown reason...di pa talaga maaari ito. hay! may sense ba tong pinost ko? ang layo ng tinungo!

be the difference in a quotient entry # 1

maychelle and i had coffee at starbucks podium two nights ago. we were having our usual "honeymoon stage' talk and then i noticed this cute chinito guy at the other table. and this conversation transpired

me: i don't know but i'm having a liking for chinito guys nowadays
maych: yeah i know, and before when you were chatting you would always ask "are you chinese" and if the answer is yes you'd type in /ignore
me: uh-huh. ewan ko ba
maych: kaya nga never say never...before i said i will never date a guy with outrageous hair color...days after i dated *toot*, then i said i would never date a hiphopper and then i dated *toot-ulet*... kaya ngayon i'll say i'll never date juddha paolo...

*boisterous laughter*

and then i noticed that the cute chinito guy really likes biting his nails

me: my god, look at him...he's so cute...he's biting his nails...i just love it...
maych: hay naku, the things that you like now will be the things that you will hate later. and besides, nail biting is a sign of insecurity
me: no it's not
maych: yes it is!
me: no it's not!
maych: yes it is...
me: how did you know?
maych: i know... basta i know and i'm right... i'm always right
me: baket, ikaw ba si God?

*silence*

more to come...

shiyet sana totoo

Colin Farell
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and I hope that you had fun


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