"i trust everyone...it's the devil inside them that i don't trust" - charlize theron as stella, the italian job

i couldn't help it...i called him up and finally he answered his phone just because i used the office phone. hearing his voice made me feel odd and miserable. as i expected, he was really cold during the two-minute conversation. he said we would talk soon and i was like..."ok".

i feel wrecked. i couldn't even smile anymore. the humor in me has been sucked out and has been replaced by the fear of not seeing him again, by the regret of not knowing what it could have been if i had been more understanding and more patient. god, i miss him!

a friend once told me not to act as if my boy is my happiness. well, apparently he IS my happiness. even knowing that my efforts at work have been rewarded is not enough to make me feel any better. what is the point to all of that now that i don't have that someone special who built dreams with me?

i don't know how to pick up the pieces again...well, i can't even see the sense in doing that anymore. feel like giving up on everything...probably vanish into the shadow. how could i have committed such a stupid mistake. i was a fool to think that saying goodbye would make take me to a better place. what is life's sense now that he is gone. i just want to disappear.i'll just probably go to where everyone will eventually go...hit the dust and this time no more fidgety hands... wish me luck. happy birthday to me... :(

...

it's only been a day and yet i feel so incomplete that i don't have you. your smile, your breath, your warmth, and your complexities have been haunting me in my sleep. maybe you are right, there are some people who are insane to be loving someone so much that they could not let go despite the pain. maybe i am one of those kind of people. maybe i am really destined to take care of you, to make you feel happy, to make you feel special without asking anything in return.

i kept asking myself where it all started? why did we fall apart? you are saying that you are undergoing unexplainable emotional pain and i understand that because i've been through the same cycle before. i want you to know that i could not bear seeing you in such pain and suffering but that does not mean that you should project an image that would make me think otherwise only to make me feel happy. the reason why i am here is for me to share your every emotion. open and honest communication is one thing that i ask from you. i want us to achieve transparency and i wanted to give you my full trust.

but i've realized that saying "goodbye" isn't the way to deal with things. i was having my lunch and i was thinking of you and the reasons why i should hate you... but i couldn't. i could only remember the good memories. and it takes me back to that day when you stepped into my life. you mesmerized me with the beauty of your soul, i didn't hesitate to follow through because i know that there is something in you that is worth risk taking. and i was right, you were different from the others. you made me feel special. you made me believe that there is something much better than physical contact, something that is more intense that can stir the blood in your veins. but along the way, i can also feel the emptiness brought by the cloud of uncertainty. there are some things between us that seems to be unfathomable.

when i look back i figure out that i only felt those doubts because i keep on putting my defenses up. i am just afraid to get hurt, that's all. i must admit it, i am too fragile for pain right now. but how can i overcome those fears if i will let go of the source of my strength, my inspiration, my happiness. just one smile coming from you and all of the anger in my heart vanishes. just recalling the good memories just keep me coming back for more...and i will keep on holding to that promise that you made...that you would never hurt me.

for now, i am sorry if you feel restricted and i never intended for you to feel that way. well, i guess you have me back. but if you need time and space, i will understand it. i am just here whenever you need me. wherever you are right now, i just want you to know that my heart is again open for you and i just hope that yours is open for me too... i will just be here, waiting for your return. dearest, i love you and i want you back...it doesn't sound much of a plea but i think it is.

dearest,

you know how difficult this is for me but there is no easy way to say this so i'll just say it. i am saying goodbye not because i do not love you anymore but because i believe that you still have to search for the ultimate source of your happiness. i have thought about it before i wrote this letter and i came to the conclusion that it is something that needs to be done before things turn ugly between the two of us. i can't afford to be hurt anymore and i wanted to believe in love and put myself out there but with the way things are going for us, i don't think love is still on my side right now.

so for now, thank you for making me feel loved even for a short time. i am grateful for all the memories and i bet they will be tattoed on my soul. good luck and i want you to know that you will always stay in my heart.

song of the moment

burnout
o wag kang tumingin
ng ganyan sa akin
wag mo akong kulitin
wag mo akong tanungin

dahil katulad mo
ako rin ay nagbago
di na tayo tulad ng dati
kay bilis ng sandali

o kay tagal din kitang minahal

kung iisipin mo
di naman dati ganito
teka muna teka lang
kelan tayo nailang?

kung iisipin mo
di naman dati ganito
kay bilis kasi ng buhay
pati tayo natangay

tinatawag kita sinusuyo kita
di mo man marinig, di mo man madama

o kay tagal din kitang mamahalin

-ebe

one is the loneliest number

so...i'm not so strong after all. yesterday my whole world just got broken into pieces. my team lead just discovered that i had one POSE score for the first month of january and unfortunately, it was a zero. it sucks because that pulled down my stats big time. it doesn't make me feel any better that one incidence of absence would result into two months of being almost non-existent in this company. bummer! i am in the verge of exploding right now... the hell with this company being the number one call center. all i can do now is sigh, and just wait for what's going to happen to me.

and these developments in my melodramatic career got me into thinking and it got me into thinking a LOT! most people that i know have been praising me and giving me all those compliments about how talented i am and how good i am in everything that i do. yeah, right i can see your eyes rolling but it's true. this is not excessive self-esteem, this is the truth! but with what is happening right now, i can't even praise myself. i am losing self-confidence. i can't even look straight into other people's eyes. i am starting to get insecure. i don't even know myself anymore. so i am not that great after all... the truth is i suck! and i hate myself for being this way. i am a fucking failure.

how can you deliver your best when you know that your efforts are all futile. everything is in front of me but they appear to be so out of reach. blah! someone please give me a mood elevator right now! quick!

the diary of black mumba

after a month of being an excellent employee by not giving in to the temptation of being late or absent, i am now officially under performance improvement for two months. it doesn't matter that my stats have sky-rocketed (okay, i'm exaggerating!), i have been placed in a juvenile rehabilitation program because i have to absent myself just one last time for being sick. and that deprives me of applying for promotion for the next 60 days. if my calculations are correct, that means missing the chance of being included in two batches of team lead trainees or probably being a trainer, or a QE or whatever other position that does not require me to take in calls.

if i were in my team leader's shoes, it's actually a fair deal. i know, i know! i screwed up during my first few months. what i can't get over with right now though is the fact that some of the people who are in a rank higher than me do not deserve to be there. i am the dominatrix, i should be there, daggumit! but in the interest of fairness, i also understand that everything happens for the reason. it is not yet my time and the best fruit is not quite ripe for the picking.

so being a graduate of the kill bill school of war, i have just formulated a gameplan. i just have to face it with patience, achieve more focus, know my enemies, and then unleash fury with one smooth strike. everyone, watch out for the showdown.

Your name of Russel has made you practical, systematic, and thorough. This name encourages the expression of leadership and organizational skills, shrewdness, and analytical ability. You are mathematically adept and have great patience with work of a detailed nature such as bookkeeping, accounting, or technical research. Particular about your material possessions, you keep everything you own in a good state of repair, and you budget your personal finances very carefully. Because of its matter-of-fact influence, this name limits, to some degree, your ability to be flexible and spontaneous. You tend to treat new and unfamiliar ideas with scepticism. Because of the serious, responsible qualities of your name, you must recognize the importance of a sense of humour and optimistic perspective of life.

Source: Kabalarians.

crossroads

Sometimes we do things and we don't know why. Sometimes we know why and we know that the reasons are unreasonable but we do them anyway. Sometimes we choose what hurts us. Sometimes we choose the people that hurt us and we give them permission to. I don't think that we're stupid or that we're irresponsible or that we get hurt because we're not careful. I think that sometimes, we just feel so alone. We feel the need to be vulnerable. We feel the need to let our guard down. Living in this harsh, cold world can sometimes cause us to put up so many walls and sometimes our arms ache from holding them up all the time. Sometimes, we let people in... and sometimes, it's the wrong people. How can we tell if it's the wrong or right people we let in? We never can and that's what makes it so unfair.

But you always find out sooner or later if you made the right decision. And when you find that you let the right person in, then you find out that taking the risk and all the fear that came with it, was worth the risk.

-for you maysh...i love you dear soul

whatta coincidence! i escalated a call to second tier and the agent's name is patrick. he was so nice and accomodating even though the issue is a little bit out of scope of support. he took over my case and guess what...his user id is PC4878. hmmm... interesting!

jessica zafra's "label suits"

I don't know about you people, but I cannot hear the word boyfriend without repressing a shudder. Such an odd word, at once archaic and bubblegummy: I imagine the Sampaguita stars of the sixties clutching the branches of mango trees and breaking into song. How awful it is to run into old friends while dining out with new object of one's affections: you are obliged to introduce the latter to the former and to explain his presence, viz. "This is X, he's my...my..."

Should you find yourself in this situation, consider the following alternatives to the word boyfriend.

Suitor--One who presses his suit. What a strange way of describing courtship, as if the man were perpetually ironing his clothes. Synonyms: wooer, manliligaw.

M. U.--Acronym for "mutual understanding," a silly term which refers to an even sillier arrangement in which two parties silently agree that they are an item. How they agree on this I have no idea; no one talks about it, so maybe they're psychic. M.U. implies that the parties feel the same way about each other--a ridiculous premise, because barring major speech impediments, if they really feel that way, there is no reason why they shouldn't declare it. The trouble with this arrangement is that it is vague and amorphous, and at the same time, assumes too much. There is a real risk that the "mutual understanding" is no more than a "unilateral delusion." And what happens when one of them wants out of this quasi-relationship? Does it have to be a mutual cessation of interest?

The general perception of M.U. is that it is less serious than the traditional courtship in which the party of the first part proposes, and the party of the second part disposes. In M.U. no one asks the question, but everyone answers. My friend Karel put it into perspective: M.U., he says, means "mag-un"

Come to think of it, if you introduce him as your M. U., doesn't it amount to a declaration? And if the relationship has been expressed verbally, then, it's no longer an M.U., isn't it? This is so confusing.

Fiance--The one whom you have pledged your troth. Wipe that leer off your face, I said troth. It dates back to the Middle Ages, and it means faith, fidelity, and devotion. To pledge one's troth means to vow to marry, be affianced, get engaged.

Husband-to-be--See Fiance, above.

Future Father of My Children (FFMC)--This one contains gentic overtones, as if you were more interested in his chromosomes than in the person himself, but it still sounds better than sperm donor

Spiritual Husband--One you love/yearn for/salivate after, who would surely love/yearn for/salivate after you but for one obstacle: you've never met.

Spouse Equivalent--The politically-correct term for the person with whom you are romantically involved. The term implies that you are as yet unmarried, but seriously considering a more serious arrangement such as cohabition, if not matrimony itself. The major difference between the traditional boyfriend and the spouse equivalent is that when you're on a date, the former pays for everything (Unless you insist on going Dutch--why?) while the latter pays half--or lets you pay. In this case you had better dump him, or marry him to clear things up once and for all.

Significant Other--Another politically-correct term, one which I find rather cold. We are talking about someone whose presence turns your insides to jelly.

The Loved-One - Self-explanatory, although the novella of this title by Evelyn Waugh was about a pet cemetery. Note use of the article The, not My. The gives the expression of raffish air, i.e. "Is the loved-one there yet?" as opposed to "Is my loved one there yet?" which sounds incredibly mushy.

Meaning of My Life--An incredibly mushy expression which requires a certain insouciance to bring off. That, or a well-developed sense of irony.

Romantic Attachment--A rather dehumanizing term; suggests an electrical apparatus of some sort.

Soulmate/Karmic Partner/Cosmic Connection--One you are destined for. Obviously when the cosmos sticks its nose into your relationship, you are dealing with forces beyond your control; you are stuck for life, if not for the next few lives.

Mistron - Male form of mistress, i.e. a guy you are seeing on the sly. This implies of course, that you are officially attached to someone and are sneaking around his back--unless he is terribly understanding and you are openly sneaking around--in which case, you ought to dump your official attachment because if he's willing to share you, what's the point? (Not to mention that it takes the fun out of sneaking around).

In any case, the dash is a great invention which allows writers to ramble on while maintaining a semblance of coherence. If Shakespeare had been a woman, this is how one of his sonnets would sound:


My mistron's eyes are nothing like the sun
Coral is far more red than his lips' red
If snow be white, then his pecs are dun
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on his head
I have seen great bods, buffed and tanned
My mistron, he hangs out with geeks
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistron reeks
I love to hear him speak, yet well I know
That grunge hath a far more pleasing sound
I grant I've never seen a god go
My mistron, when he walks, treads on the grounds
And yet, by Heaven, I think my love as rare
As any he belied with false compare.

i'm getting worried. :( i hope everything's ok with you! sometimes, the bravest of all warriors is the one who does not fight. i miss you!

the fiction of forbidden fruit

sometimes you give in to the thrill.

the moment just spills onto your lap and you feel like dabbing the stains away but you choose not to.

you let the feeling overcome you. you let the discomfort, the awkward elation just take hold of you. you prolong the sensation because you know that just as quickly as this sensation comes, it will leave you... in a flash, and you can't go back to it.

at least not that often. not as much as you may want to but that's exactly what makes these moments so unique. they only happen once in a while; these moments hidden within the confines of each other's minds, within secrets whispered over heavy breaths and tastes swallowed like forbidden nectars.

you sometimes wonder who you are during these moments. if it is really you or if you are a thespian in some unrehearsed scene, unsure of what lines must be uttered, and what actions should be left undone.

Russ.. i only scored 72%. passing is 80% :( hehe.. anyway, you're not online. we'll just have our lunch ok?! byee...

another day

I think I'll go home now
It's been the greatest day
Thank you for shedding life to my fantasy
Throw me a wicked smile
The one like yesterday
That threw me up and away to the evergreen

Like a spiral staircase
Down i go
Losing every step
I sense an earthquake I.L.U.
Don't even know how to say
When will it break
Today is gone
But tomorrow will be okay
I'll wait another day

Morning awakes me
I need a special plan
This very simple task I cannot overcome
Hundreds of streets i roamed
In search for the perfect line
Nothing i've found good
enough for a boy like you

Why i can never let you go
So strange extraordinary
Why I can never tell you
So i must be dumb
Why i can never let this go
Can't stop this fun
It must be done

New age and technology. All the things cool and
sheek just comes natural to you. You know
what's happening in Japan bring a professional
SNAG type of image to the world. You're the
Modern Technology type of Gay Guy.


What type of gay guy are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hi russ! just dropped by to say i'm home. bat di kaw online? :( anyway, sleep early tonight ok?! i hope to see you early tom punta tayo greenhills pag nagising me ng maaga ok!? take care on your way home ok?!!!! byeeers.

twenty-something

i was updating myself with the recent wta rankings and i came across martina hingis' player profile. i can still remember her glory days back in when she was 19 and her trick shots beat the crap out of those williams sisters. eventually, women's tennis has been redefined from finesse to power and the likes of serena, venus, amelie, and those look-i've-got-muscles-and-i-look-like-vina-morales players have dominated the scene. as for hingis, well, she's 23 years old and she has retired from playing tennis after excusing herself out of the scene because of "injuries" caused by the adidas shoes she's been endorsing. as for her stats, her career earnings from tennis alone amounts to $18,344,660, with 40 career titles and 5 grand slams under her belt and she's not even the richest and most successful tennis player. i don't know if she's still dating a multi-millionaire golfer and she's most probably somewhere in the carribbean, sipping a martini and thinking of the shire (huh?).

as for me, i'm turning 23 next month and martina hingis is making me miserable. here i am...twenty-something, underpaid, broke, single, and my social life revolves around my work and my virtual boyfriend. and so as i add another year to my so-called life, i decided that i should come up with a yearender because i wasn't able to do one last december. these are the things that happened to me in my 22nd year of wandering into life's cavernous pits...

-had two home address changes - from the beautiful chaos of cubao, ryam and i transferred to the star-studded community of teacher's village where we lived in a big house located 2 houses away from regine velasquez's town house and across parokya ni edgar's apartment. months after we moved to bronx, mandaluyong due to practical reasons where we shared an apartment with maychelle situated in a very interesting neighborhood dominated by uhmmm...the poor. in other words, squatter ito. we plan of moving out in June...probably somewhere in Kapitolyo... :P

-had three drastic career moves- after plagiarizing science articles and editing senseless magazines for diwa, i decided to move on to events for apo duwaling. the job was not that financially rewarding but hell, it was fun. a guy needs to earn money so i had to move on to the call center industry and i suddenly found myself working for e-telecare, delivering a 45 second spiel for the telemarketing of a crappy website. the call center industry is such a trap but i have to do something that allows me to think so i transferred to convergys where they programmed me to be an almost-some-kinda-sorta-medyo-semi-techie. now i am thinking of quitting my job and do something more productive like going to Somalia and single-handedly deworm the orphans there, or be a part of the management committee of the Gay Olympics in Australia, or hacking the Yahoo! site and send fraudulent emails to its members, or be May Chelle's personal alalay (for she is going to be a star...soon!).

-became single again...4 months and counting!- after three short years, ryam finally called it quits. he said he still loved me but he doesn't love the same love that he felt for me before. first time after three years that i spent christmas and new year's with my friends, and spent valentine's at work with the boy that i am seeing. i also went back to the places that i used to visit before ryam came to my life most particularly malate. and spent more time with maychelle and together we visited millennia, cityjam and tapika, starbucks, cafe breton and had honeymoon conversations over coffee and beer. had wanton sex with random guys, felt uncomfortably empty. got dumped by someone when i haven't been doing any moves yet but hell... i am still seeing that someone. i don't know what destiny has in store for me. who knows if i'm going to be single till i turn 24. i'm getting used to it...better to be alone than to spend time with someone who takes you for a doormat.

-discovered friendster and accumulated 200 friends...and counting!- establishing my online presence became an unofficial part of my job as a support analyst. geez, crazy!

-reunited with my family- got to tell my mom that i am queer and i just had a major break up. she was fine with it and dealt with me as an adult. it was nice though i don't know how my dad reacted to it. i am looking forward to seeing them again soon.

time seems to fly so fast. well, as of now, can't think of anything spectacular that i had this year. there are 30 days more and maybe more things will happen...maybe a breakthrough in my job, or if "the ONE" will come into my life. now, excuse me while i find ways of being at par with martina hingis.

everyone needs to be found

lost in translation finally hit movie screens here in the philippines i watched it with my boy. all throughout the movie, i was trying to figure out what moved so many critics to lauding it as one of the best films of last year. it isn't hard to understand why.

while i am a fan of hollywood and the usual hollywood summer blockbuster, i am also a fan of good storytelling. what i loved most about the film was the understated performances of both its lead performers. there's no heavy drama, no great monologues. it's all just there in the air. it's like you can almost feel it when bob and charlotte gaze each other. the tension. the chemistry. it's all so palpable. i'm thankful that kirsten dunst isn't in the role since sofia originally wrote the script with her in mind. scarlett's subtle mannerisms are just so beautiful. the way her voice breaks a little. her coy smile. this girl is one helluva a charmer. and we feel what bob feels. just looking at her.

their dynamic manages to carry the film even with the sparse but apt dialogue. that's the real beauty of the film to me. the title and the story all play into the idea that sometimes, words are unneeded. they even become a hinderance to truly experiencing something or someone. whenever there are scenes where bob talks to his wife or charlotte to her husband, it actually feels like words are a burden. the conversations always seem to take so much effort that it drains them.

my favorite scenes in the movie are when their characters don't speak at all but what is happening around them seems to speak for them. that scene on the hotel bed with their reflections floating above the city lights outside the window. or the awkward moment when they're boiling sushi at a restaurant just as they are on the brink of an argument.or the fire that brings them to a necessary reconciliation. the symbolisms just really made me think a lot.

and that whisper that just makes you think about how we, as people, sometimes wait too long to say what we need to say.

sometimes, we take what we say for granted. we always have so much to say but never really say what people need to hear. or what we want them to hear.

ellow rusty.. how are you doing? hope you're doing great! I posted a letter for you in my blog. check it na lang po! miss you!